I started my 2017 reflections blog post last year asking whether I should have my life together by now – and again, at 24 years I find myself asking the same question as the people around me start their big careers, buy houses, get engaged, settle down. I can’t even go on Facebook for 5 minutes without scrolling past a photo of a ring or a house or a baby scan or some other huge life event (BIG CONGRATS BY THE WAY). 2018 for me has been the opposite of settling down – its been so unsettled I don’t know where my own brain is half the time.
I ended my first big relationship and my first big job. Admittedly one was harder than the other, but I still felt a sense of loss for both. Loss of comfort, loss of familiarity, loss of that safe sense of security. I guess a loss of identity in a way.
I joined the dating game, with the sole intention of just having fun before going off travelling in September. Arranged to go on a date with a boy from Bumble, who I knew was called Jack and had excellent taste in music but that was the extent of it. Walked into Turtle Bay on March 9th expecting a few drinks, not having the slightest inclination I’d fall pretty much instantly in love, listening to that same music 9 months later and planning our lives and our futures. Maybe the best things in life are unexpected because we have absolutely no expectations of what will happen. Huge shoutout to Bumble for giving me a best friend and soulmate all in one – dating apps aren’t all bad, I promise.
Walked into my first counselling room in January this year finally admitting I needed help to let go of remnants of the past that just wouldn’t seem to budge. I walked out 5 months later feeling like I knew myself inside out: I learnt why I behave the way I do, my motivations, my intentions, when something is coming from my brain, my heart or my gut. I learnt to trust and forgive myself. I finally learnt what self compassion truly means.
I started a Yoga Nidra class. I had 2 articles published on Huffington Posts front page online. I became a BEAT Ambassador. I completed a Tough Mudder. I watched my nephew and niece take their first steps and my eldest niece start to talk (and not stop talking!). I made friends I can’t ever imagine not being in my life. I dived with my biggest phobia (sharks) and was surprised to see that I didn’t get eaten alive. I took 3 steps back with my eating disorder before taking 5 steps forward. I pushed past the point of half arsed recovery and got myself to the 99% point.
I learnt that it’s more important to be authentic than to be liked. I learnt that not everything happens for a reason – sometimes shitty things happen for no reason at all. I learnt to use a coffee machine, to ski, to snowboard, to dive. I learnt that there is no limit in which I can listen to Hamilton. I learnt that admitting I need help does not have to be a huge deal. I learnt that talking about self harm openly removes a lot of the shame and the guilt and the darkness behind it. I learnt that we can not plan exactly how our lives are going to turn out, and neither should we want to. Sometimes there’s no choice but to let go, to surrender and to accept that you have no idea what’s around the corner.
If I had a metaphor for my 2018 it would be this: you know when your mum buys you a huge blazer in year 7 which completely swallows you up, but she tells you ‘you’ll grow into it’? And each school year you put your blazer back on and realise that it fits a little snugger. And then one day, without having realised, you notice that it fits – it might be a bit baggy here or a bit tight there but you feel comfortable and not so self conscious and overwhelmed anymore. I feel like this year I’ve grown into my life, and the people I have around me are the people I know I want around me forever.
My best friend and I had a conversation a few weeks ago in which she told me how much of a change she’d noticed in me in the past few months – how I don’t seem so scared and anxious anymore, how much she’s seen my confidence grow and how I’ve come into myself. She told me I seem free. And after having been travelling for exactly 3 months now, from Laos to Vietnam to Bali to NZ, that’s exactly how I feel. I don’t know if I’d go as far as to say I’ve found myself – I don’t know if that’s a task that can ever be fully completed for any of us – but I’ve definitely found aspects of myself I never knew were there and probably never would have found at home.
2018 has been messy and beautiful all at the same time. I have regrets and mistakes have been made of course, but I would never change where I am right now. If you’d have told me at the start of the year I would be going into 2019 living in a caravan in NZ with my best friend, working as a fine dining waitress (don’t even comment), spending months away from home and about to start a future with a boy I’ve known for less than a year who I met on a dating website, I would have laughed. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Here’s to 2019 in all it’s glory.
Lots of love,
Kirsty
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The Kirsty Way 