Rewind 5 years (top two photos) and, to the outside, I looked like the healthiest person on the earth. Whilst it seemed everybody else at university were going out nearly every night of the week followed by hungover takeaways the morning after, I was going to the gym 6 times per week, eating mainly vegetarian, choosing to cook my own ‘healthy’ meals instead of eating out/takeaways with my friends and family, tracking my calories/carbs/fats, making sure I got 10,000 steps in and barely drinking alcohol (I was shit at student life). I had abs, ‘athletic’ body fat, toned muscles. People used to compliment me on my willpower, how they wished they could say no to the cake or how they wished they had my discipline when it came to the gym. The reality? It wasn’t willpower or discipline. It was pure fear. I was teased for being the health freak of my family, the one who always ordered a salad in a restaurant or said no to dessert. The sole reason I got away with hiding my eating disorder for so many years because it was buried beneath the disguise of ‘health’. And being healthy was completely normal. Right?
Fast forward to today (bottom two photos): I’m 24 years old, living in New Zealand, have barely exercised for the past 5 months, eating huge bowls of whatever we’re given at work 2x per day without a care in the world, eating my body weight in pizza, not having a clue how many calories I’m eating/burning, forgetting the meaning of the words ‘fruit and veg’ (kidding – sort of), moving intuitively based on how my body feels and absolutely loving life drinking wine and scrumpy cider multiple times a week. I don’t cry about missing workouts anymore. I don’t beat myself up for eating cake. I’m not constantly watching and checking my body for any slight changes. I’m just living.
I could take a Tupperware to work. I could eat fruit instead of ice cream. I could choose to say no to pizza on the beach with my best friend. But somehow this no longer feels like it’s in my best interest. You are not a bad person for eating the cookie, for not making it to the gym, for seeing the number on the scales go up. You are not a bad person for choosing to focus on other aspects of life over your health. I’m not saying go crazy and sit on the sofa 24 hours a day, 7 days a week eating pringles an drinking vodka – chances are, this probably won’t make you happy (but if you think it will, go for it!). I’m just saying find your happy point, the point that allows you to be your best self.
It’s funny really – the time when I was most focused on health and weight (which actually, contrary to popular opinion, have very little correlation) was the time I felt the least healthy in my body. I was exhausted all the time, my skin was flaky, my hair was dry, I didn’t have a period for 3 years. I was stressed, anxious, emotional and ready to fall apart at any given moment. Now, however, is a different story. I stopped reading the women’s health magazines and listening to the ‘wellness influencers’/dieticians/nutritionists, all who tell us different ‘facts’ every single day. Eat carbs. Don’t eat carbs. Apples are bad for you. Charcoal is good for you. We shouldn’t be eating saturated fat. We should be eating saturated fat. Cook with coconut oil. Whatever you do, don’t cook with coconut oil. You get my drift.
When we stop putting all of our energy into things such as weight loss, obsessing over food and spending 3 hours either thinking about going to the gym, or actually being there, we can start to put our resources towards things that matter: our relationships, ourselves, changing the world.
Health is more than just physical – and sometimes we need to put this on the back burner so our mental health thrives too. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing in terms of your body – you do you, healthy or not.
Love,
Kirsty
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Instagram: @thekirstyway
Email: baines.kirsty@hotmail.co.uk
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The Kirsty Way 